How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? (Psalm 13:2)Father, the truth is this: I would rather fix this myself. I hate waiting for You. I am tired of reminding myself that I am dependent on You. I would rather, right now, haul this thing into my own two hands and break it to smithereens. I want to storm and rage and slap and scream. I want to feel like I can control something. But I know I can't do that.
My frustration is cradled in a terrible error; You have been shamefully misrepresented somewhere deep in my heart. Something in there says that You are not giving me good. Something says that You are unfair, that I am not worth Your best, that You do not love me as You should, that You can't fix me, even that maybe You have forgotten or given up on me. Set me free from these lies, God of Mercy! Remind me how You gave Your Son for me, long before there was anything in me that responded to You. Remind me how You loved (and still love) me past my weakness and my often complaining and my stubborn, self-driven heart. Remind me how You created me with this mind that races, with this heart that cries. Remind me how you have led me and patiently taught me lessons I thought I would never learn. Remind me of what You have prepared for my future.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. (Psalm 73:25)I don't know what is the best way to deal with this situation, but calm my heart, and remind me that I am not responsible to figure that out. Make me understand that I don't need to do everything right in order to make this situation better. Teach me that You are in charge of the ends of things. However messy and awful it seems now, You are able to redeem it.
I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things. (Isaiah 45:7)I don't know if I am trusting or not, but I am choosing with my will to give this situation to You, and I am looking to You to sort it out in the way that pleases You. Don't forget how tired I am, and how little perspective I have.
Father, I know You have been with me through this in ways that I still don't even recognize. I am sorry for my failure to recognize the comfort and the strength You have given me at unexpected times and in unexpected places. Somewhere in my heart, alongside my anger and confusion, I am deeply thankful. I know You, my Healer, my Hope, my Song.
I am waiting for you and looking for You.
My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. (Psalm 130:6)
2 comments:
Thank you for writing these. I am learning a lot about searching for God in difficulty. Your honesty and vulnerability are food for my soul.
Thank you, Jo. I am trying to tell my story while I am still hurt and angry and before God has shown himself the person we Christians say he is. It seems faithless to complain when we know he isn't finished working, but it takes more faith, not less, to admit that we don't see and don't understand and everything hasn't worked out the way we expected. It isn't enough to have all the right answers; they are nothing without the questions.
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