Sunday, 8 December 2013

He Will Rise Up

Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws,
we wait for you;
your name and renown
are the desire of our hearts...

As a pregnant woman about to give birth
writhes and cries out in her pain,
so were we in your presence, Lord.
We were with child, we writhed in labor,
but we gave birth to wind.
We have not brought salvation to the earth,
and the people of the world have not come to life.

(Isaiah 26:8, 17-18)
Lord, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God. (Psalm 38:15)
Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you. (Psalm 25:5)
Lord, you are the God who saves me; day and night I cry out to you. (Psalm 88:1)
Help us, God our Savior, for the glory of your name; deliver us and forgive our sins for your name's sake. (Psalm 79:9)
Father, what can I do except come before You again? If You fail to hear me, to whom shall I go?

I don't know why I'm here - only that I have followed You, and I have nowhere else to go unless You lead me. I will be led by You, Father. I dare not take on anything without the promise of Your presence and Your strength, because I am weak and weary, made of dust.

Speak to me, then, my God. Whom have I beside You? Show me the way. Give me a vision. Gather up my broken pieces and teach me the meaning of this, of me. Only let me hear Your voice; let me feel Your hand guiding me, and I will go on in Your way. Remember Your promise to send a Comforter. You are merciful and true. I kneel before You. I appeal to Your compassion, to the righteous Name of Jesus. Do something for me, O God. I have cried to You. 

I am so tired of feeling weak. If I could really know that this is the right way, I think I could accept it, but I am so full of doubt. Please give me a sense of purpose in this. Show me the difference between getting stepped on and willingly laying myself down. Teach me how to accept hurt, and feel the cut and the disappointment, and yet keep on giving - without depending. Remind me that my real weakness is not in my willingness to trust, but in my pride - that awful thing in me that squirms and talks loud and angry at being taken for a fool.

I am not enough. My heart is tired and sore and shrunken, and hatred and bitterness come seeping at the cracks. I confess that I am small and selfish and blind. Rescue me from myself! I have trusted in You; let me not be ashamed. Enlarge my heart, and let me desire great things, real things. Give me Your heart. Fill me with compassion for a broken people and a lost world; let me reach beyond my own hurt. Show me how to love those who spitefully use me. Teach my heart of stone to seek only Jesus, and let me be satisfied in Him. 
A Better Resurrection 
(Christina Rossetti)
I have no wit, no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numbed too much for hopes or fears.
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
I lift mine eyes, but dimmed with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is in the falling leaf:
O Jesus, quicken me.
My life is like a faded leaf,
My harvest dwindled to a husk;
Truly my life is void and brief
And tedious in the barren dusk;
My life is like a frozen thing,
No bud nor greenness can I see:
Yet rise it shall - the sap of Spring;
O Jesus, rise in me.
My life is like a broken bowl,
A broken bowl that cannot hold
One drop of water for my soul
Or cordial in the searching cold
Cast in the fire the perished thing,
Melt and remould it, till it be
A royal cup for Him my King:
O Jesus, drink of me.
But you, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious, long suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth. (Psalm 86:15)
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! (Isaiah 30:18)


Dad said...

oh jen, you speak my heart. I feel like I'm somewhere on a mountain side with a small valley ahead of me and a big valley behind me. I am amazed at how many times in the Bible that faith & doubt are found in the same passage. Cain heard Able's voice but God heard his cry

jennypo said...

Yes, dear Dad, perhaps without the doubt, there is no faith. Maybe that's what faith is - walking into the dark of doubt, hoping against hope for a light on the other side.
We have no real promise from God other than who he is. What will he do with us? I don't know, but he hears. I am at the same time deeply discouraged and unshakably sure that God is merciful and just. It tears me in two. He may slay us, but he cannot be less than good. It only seems a paradox; he will, he must, somehow craft happiness, not in spite of the hurt, but from it. Oh, inscrutable God - mysterious made flesh! Let every part of me - even my storming, rebel heart - give glory to him.