Choosing

Lord Jesus, when Mary poured out her ointment on Your feet, she chose to. She gave that precious ointment because she loved You. It was worth it because she knew why and for whom she broke the alabaster.

When You suffered at Gethsemane and at Calvary, You gave Yourself in obedience, for love of a Father. You went willingly. You offered all because it honoured God and rescued me.

I don't know what my hurt is for. I don't know who I honour. I don't choose this long, dark road.

Maybe I couldn't choose it. Maybe You just gave it because You read my heart, and You know that I do love You and I am willing to sacrifice, even when I lack the power to act. Beneath my weak whining, I do want to honour You.

Sin rises up and overcomes me. It confuses me, and makes me unsure of what I really desire. But You who see beneath the deceit of my heart, You know what I really want. You read my deep longing, and You have given this. So I, who cannot understand for what and for whom I hurt, can choose to honour You in how I take it. Accept the worship of my heart, not in the cost of my hurt, but in what it costs me to bow before You in the middle of my confusion.

I have offered no Isaac, but I bow. I accept Your taking away. I will honour You in my emptiness. I will sing a song to You in the great, howling gap that is my heart. Let it be my sacrifice. Let me honour You.

With Me

O Lord, I remember days when I felt all the things about You that now I only know. Your kingdom weighed in my heart, and it had mass that displaced lesser things. You haven't changed. You are the same God now that I knew then, but I am so much less than I knew. Wash me in grace. Let Your love cover me and re-make me. 

Thank You for crying in the garden, begging God to take away the pain. Thank You for crying on the cross, wondering that You could be forsaken. Thank You for not just accepting it all philosophically and religiously and thank You for not being what everyone expected.

Messy Jesus. Bleeding. Crying. How I love You. I trust You. 

You Do Not Answer

I cry to you for help and you do not answer me; I stand, and you only look at me. You have turned cruel to me (Job 30:20-21)

What a man Job is. He isn't afraid to tell the scary truth. He makes no excuses for God. He asks his questions and lets them hang there. He complains. He asks God for explanations. What gives him the guts to do this? Is it that he has searched his heart before God and laid himself out in the open? That he has first bowed himself before his Creator?

Father, I too have broken my heart open before You. I have turned my will toward You. Yet You sometimes seem cruel to me, as You seemed to Job. What can I do except bow again at Your feet, and empty my tears out before You? When will You come and teach my heart Your way?

I know, Lord, that your laws are righteous,
and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
May your unfailing love be my comfort,
according to your promise to your servant.
Let your compassion come to me... (Psalm 119:75-77)

Your way must be good. You created me. You know my deep heart. I will wreck myself on You, Lord. You cannot ignore Your own creation. You will not waste a life for which Christ died. I wait for You.

I have strayed like a lost sheep.
Seek your servant,
for I have not forgotten your commands. (Psalm 119:176)

Cry to Jesus

Sometimes I just feel so not enough, and sometimes the walls move in toward me and I want out. now. but the One who died has brought me here, and where would I go?

Father, I don't know where You are taking me. I'm tired and confused and I want to run, but I trust You. I will go with You. When everything folds in on me, and I feel like I can't take it another second, then help me to take it, just that one more second, and make a way for me. When I am hunted and cornered by the whys, be my answer, You who fill all in all. I am Yours, with all my emptiness. 

Speak hope to me. Show me the way. Give strength. Help me, Jesus!

Because He is Faithful

Be glad, people of Zion,
rejoice in the Lord your God,
for he has given you the autumn rains
because he is faithful.
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before. (Joel 2:22)

Lord, I will thank You for the rain. Change my perspective, and teach me to value what You value. Put real thankfulness in my heart for the good that You give,  especially when it isn't what I wanted. Remind me that there is blessing in Your rain. You are faithful.

 

The Lord Stands Beside You

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’ ”
“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. (Genesis 3:1-6)

Why does it feel like wisdom to doubt the God who shamed Himself for us?

Why do we continue to believe the same lie - that God will give us less than the Greatest Good?

Father, help me not just to give up, but to give over - to trust You with all. This world gets in my eyes, all smokey, and the things You say don't match what I see and feel, and I find myself questioning You instead of the haze that crowds my senses. Like Eve, I am unsure of Your goodness, and flesh screams, and reason wavers and bends under the pressure, and I begin to think that there is some good You withhold from me. I am tempted to just give up on Your way, because it doesn't seem to fit, and because it seems too hard, and I make the excuse that I am just too weak for it all. But faith means putting You to the ultimate test - jumping out of the boat and sinking and calling You for help, risking all in hope that You are right and Your way leads to Good. This world says there is a better, smarter way to succeed. It says that doubting You is wisdom. But faith bets all on You, on the wisdom of Your way, on the truth of Your Love. I will cast myself on You. I will risk all on the truth that Your way must be better than mine. I will wait for You. I will try on Your truth in real-time.

Oh God, give love, that ability to sacrifice and keep on sacrificing; to take pain and yet keep on giving and then to not carry resentment. Give deep, driving passion for the honour of Your name. Give faith, rich and real - faith that risks it all on You. I give in to You. I will let go of other things. But give love.

Psalm 121: A song for pilgrims ascending to Jerusalem
I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!
He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.
The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.

The Rock Eternal

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal. (Isaiah 26:4)

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. (Lamentations 3:32)

The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand. (Psalm 37:23-24)

Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him. (Job13:15)

All That God Has Done

...then I saw all that God has done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all their efforts to search it out, no one can discover its meaning. (Ecclesiastes 8:17)

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9) 

Father, here I am. I don't understand, but I confess that all that You do is Good. Give me Your best. I am willing for pain. Crush my idols, and draw me close to You. Show me Your mysterious way. I bow.

The Agony of Agape

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols

Jerk the pews & all the decorations, too

Until the congregations few, then have revival

Tell your friends that this is where the party ends

Until you're broken for your sins, you can't be social

Then seek the Lord and wait for what he has in store

And know that great is your reward so just be hopeful

'cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song

Take a break from all the plans that you have made

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper

Beg him please to open up his mouth and speak

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister

Shine the light on every corner of your life

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open

Then read the Word and put to test the things you've heard

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken

We must not worship something that's not even worth it

Clear the stage, make some space for the one who deserves it

'cause I can sing all I want to

Yes, I can sing all I want to

I can sing all I want to

And still get it wrong

And you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song

Worship is more than a song

Worship is more than a song

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. (2John 1:6)

Alan Redpath says that the English word "agony" comes from "agape". It's not hard to believe. There is a cost, a real agony, to loving agape-style, sacrificing on purpose, without expecting anything in return. I know that God asks us to do this, but I haven't been able to. I want to, but I can't. I find myself running from the agony of it every time.

If I loved God most, I could love others more. If I trusted God, I could allow people to hurt me. What is it that has risen in my heart and blocks my way to freedom in Christ? What robs me of the glorious mystery of "Christ in you"? What sucks my joy and saps my strength and terrorizes me with darkness in weak moments?

Father, let me worship you. I have failed to love You best. I have withheld the worship You deserve. I have given in to fear. I am ready for You to change me. I am ready for this agony, because it is better than the bitterness that overtakes me when I don't have Your love. I will trust You. Do what You will with me, and tear out every idol that raises itself before you in my heart. Let me love You so I can love the people around me. Let me see Your beauty. Let me see the beauty You have placed in the most obnoxious and frustrating people in my life. Restore me. I hunger for this power.

Love suffers long, and is kind;
I can be kind for a while, but it wears thin. I am certainly not kind after suffering too long.

love envies not;
I envy. I feel hurt and frustrated when I see others in the place I want and think I deserve.

love vaunts not itself, is not puffed up,
I get puffed up and feel the need to defend my qualifications, my right to the treatment I think I ought to have.

Does not behave itself rudely,
Oh. I find myself not caring about other people's feelings. All I can think about is my own.

seeks not her own,
And I go running after what's mine, what I think I deserve.

is not easily provoked,
How easily I am provoked these days! A word or two out of place and I am raging...

keeps no record of evil;
This is the bitterness that sets in when the suffering has gone on too long: I take satisfaction in counting it up and reminding myself of it, because it justifies my anger and my pain.

Rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
Bitterness always gives way to taking satisfaction in the wrong things. I am pleased when I see others making the same mistakes as me, because it justifies my own wrong.

Bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
Love never fails...

Father. I am failing. I long for the power to agape-love. My way isn't working. It isn't giving me any power, any satisfaction, any strength. Come and set me free from myself. Tear every root of bitterness from my heart. Renew worship in me, and let me love you with my mind. Fill my thoughts. Overcome me and remove all that I have placed above You in my heart. I am willing to be changed. Clear the stage, and set the sound and lights ablaze. I will seek You. I will wait for You.

My Expectation is From Him

And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do to them, and not forsake them. (Isaiah 42:16)

Lord, I have been blind: blind to Your goodness, to Your purpose. I have been groping in the dark. I am still unable to see You as I long to see You. I don't know exactly what it is that I'm looking for, but I remain unsatisfied, though I know that You can satisfy me. I do believe that Your way is the best way, for this life as well as the next one. I do believe that the reward is here and not just in eternity. I do believe that following You is the rich life, the exciting life, the full life. I will hold on.

And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, Speak to the children of Israel, that they turn and encamp before Pihahiroth, between Migdol and the sea, over against Baalzephon: before it shall you encamp by the sea. For Pharaoh will say of the children of Israel, They are entangled in the land, the wilderness has shut them in. And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honored on Pharaoh, and on all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. (Exodus 14:1-4)

 What is interesting in this story is that God is so specific. He doesn't just send them to the bank of the sea and then leave them there to wonder what He's doing with them. He tells them exactly what He is going to do, and what they need to do, and what the purpose is. Sometimes I just feel like if I had this much information, I wouldn't be struggling the way I am. Isn't the hard part not knowing? But then, maybe I'm being unfair. After all, how long did the Israelites wait in Egypt, aching for deliverance, before they packed their bags and ate the Passover? They waited for God to lead them out; waited while a generation of baby boys was drowned in the Nile; waited while Moses grew up and ran away and hid in Midian and learned how to control his temper. No, it's not fair to compare. And after all, God may do as He pleases with each of us.

These things says he that is holy, he that is true, he that has the key of David, he that opens, and no man shuts; and shuts, and no man opens. (Revelation 3:7)

Father, change my circumstances or change my heart, whichever You will. You alone are able to open doors and shut them, and no one may oppose You.

 My soul, wait you only upon God; for my expectation is from him. (Psalm 62:5)

I lean in to You, Father. Give or take away. I am afraid, but I look to You. I cannot make my own way. I will receive it from Your hand.