Choosing

Lord Jesus, when Mary poured out her ointment on Your feet, she chose to. She gave that precious ointment because she loved You. It was worth it because she knew why and for whom she broke the alabaster.

When You suffered at Gethsemane and at Calvary, You gave Yourself in obedience, for love of a Father. You went willingly. You offered all because it honoured God and rescued me.

I don't know what my hurt is for. I don't know who I honour. I don't choose this long, dark road.

Maybe I couldn't choose it. Maybe You just gave it because You read my heart, and You know that I do love You and I am willing to sacrifice, even when I lack the power to act. Beneath my weak whining, I do want to honour You.

Sin rises up and overcomes me. It confuses me, and makes me unsure of what I really desire. But You who see beneath the deceit of my heart, You know what I really want. You read my deep longing, and You have given this. So I, who cannot understand for what and for whom I hurt, can choose to honour You in how I take it. Accept the worship of my heart, not in the cost of my hurt, but in what it costs me to bow before You in the middle of my confusion.

I have offered no Isaac, but I bow. I accept Your taking away. I will honour You in my emptiness. I will sing a song to You in the great, howling gap that is my heart. Let it be my sacrifice. Let me honour You.

With Me

O Lord, I remember days when I felt all the things about You that now I only know. Your kingdom weighed in my heart, and it had mass that displaced lesser things. You haven't changed. You are the same God now that I knew then, but I am so much less than I knew. Wash me in grace. Let Your love cover me and re-make me. 

Thank You for crying in the garden, begging God to take away the pain. Thank You for crying on the cross, wondering that You could be forsaken. Thank You for not just accepting it all philosophically and religiously and thank You for not being what everyone expected.

Messy Jesus. Bleeding. Crying. How I love You. I trust You. 

You Do Not Answer

I cry to you for help and you do not answer me; I stand, and you only look at me. You have turned cruel to me (Job 30:20-21)

What a man Job is. He isn't afraid to tell the scary truth. He makes no excuses for God. He asks his questions and lets them hang there. He complains. He asks God for explanations. What gives him the guts to do this? Is it that he has searched his heart before God and laid himself out in the open? That he has first bowed himself before his Creator?

Father, I too have broken my heart open before You. I have turned my will toward You. Yet You sometimes seem cruel to me, as You seemed to Job. What can I do except bow again at Your feet, and empty my tears out before You? When will You come and teach my heart Your way?

I know, Lord, that your laws are righteous,
and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
May your unfailing love be my comfort,
according to your promise to your servant.
Let your compassion come to me... (Psalm 119:75-77)

Your way must be good. You created me. You know my deep heart. I will wreck myself on You, Lord. You cannot ignore Your own creation. You will not waste a life for which Christ died. I wait for You.

I have strayed like a lost sheep.
Seek your servant,
for I have not forgotten your commands. (Psalm 119:176)

Cry to Jesus

Sometimes I just feel so not enough, and sometimes the walls move in toward me and I want out. now. but the One who died has brought me here, and where would I go?

Father, I don't know where You are taking me. I'm tired and confused and I want to run, but I trust You. I will go with You. When everything folds in on me, and I feel like I can't take it another second, then help me to take it, just that one more second, and make a way for me. When I am hunted and cornered by the whys, be my answer, You who fill all in all. I am Yours, with all my emptiness. 

Speak hope to me. Show me the way. Give strength. Help me, Jesus!

Because He is Faithful

Be glad, people of Zion,
rejoice in the Lord your God,
for he has given you the autumn rains
because he is faithful.
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before. (Joel 2:22)

Lord, I will thank You for the rain. Change my perspective, and teach me to value what You value. Put real thankfulness in my heart for the good that You give,  especially when it isn't what I wanted. Remind me that there is blessing in Your rain. You are faithful.

 

The Lord Stands Beside You

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’ ”
“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. (Genesis 3:1-6)

Why does it feel like wisdom to doubt the God who shamed Himself for us?

Why do we continue to believe the same lie - that God will give us less than the Greatest Good?

Father, help me not just to give up, but to give over - to trust You with all. This world gets in my eyes, all smokey, and the things You say don't match what I see and feel, and I find myself questioning You instead of the haze that crowds my senses. Like Eve, I am unsure of Your goodness, and flesh screams, and reason wavers and bends under the pressure, and I begin to think that there is some good You withhold from me. I am tempted to just give up on Your way, because it doesn't seem to fit, and because it seems too hard, and I make the excuse that I am just too weak for it all. But faith means putting You to the ultimate test - jumping out of the boat and sinking and calling You for help, risking all in hope that You are right and Your way leads to Good. This world says there is a better, smarter way to succeed. It says that doubting You is wisdom. But faith bets all on You, on the wisdom of Your way, on the truth of Your Love. I will cast myself on You. I will risk all on the truth that Your way must be better than mine. I will wait for You. I will try on Your truth in real-time.

Oh God, give love, that ability to sacrifice and keep on sacrificing; to take pain and yet keep on giving and then to not carry resentment. Give deep, driving passion for the honour of Your name. Give faith, rich and real - faith that risks it all on You. I give in to You. I will let go of other things. But give love.

Psalm 121: A song for pilgrims ascending to Jerusalem
I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!
He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.
The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.