Every Broken Piece Is Gathered

Who among all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind. (Job 12:9-10)

Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face. (Job 13:15)
But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives. In the end, he will stand upon the earth. (Job 19:25)

It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

(from Nothing is Wasted, by Jason Gray)

We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, and it may be so in the initial stages. But we do not earn anything through faith— faith brings us into the right relationship with God and gives Him His opportunity to work. Yet God frequently has to knock the bottom out of your experience as His saint to get you in direct contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, not a life of emotional enjoyment of His blessings. The beginning of your life of faith was very narrow and intense, centered around a small amount of experience that had as much emotion as faith in it, and it was full of light and sweetness. Then God withdrew His conscious blessings to teach you to “walk by faith” (2 Corinthians 5:7). And you are worth much more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight with your thrilling testimony.
Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character must be proven as trustworthy in our own minds. Faith being worked out into reality must experience times of unbroken isolation. (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)

“Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is.”
(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest: Selections for the Year)

“The great enemy of the life of faith in God is not sin, but the good which is not good enough. The good is always the enemy of the best.”
(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)

Learning to Give In

I spend weekends in a house that has recently gained two small children, one an infant and the other a strong-willed two-year-old whose English name is David. David has recently moved from the US to Korea and, although he is a darling little boy and pretty well-behaved, he reacts sometimes to his world gone topsy-turvy. Like all of us, he gets angry and throws tantrums. When this happens, his mother takes him in another room and speaks sternly to him. We all know when David has let go of his own way and will be coming back to join us because when he is ready to agree with his mother, he very firmly and loudly says, "내", a Korean word that means "Yes" or "You're right" or "Okay". He says it with resignation and conviction both, like a soldier saluting. No matter how hard he has been crying or yelling or kicking his feet, he realizes that his will has to bend, and he bends it bravely. After he has agreed with his mother, there is no more crying or yelling. He moves on. Sometimes I admire David's courage and discipline. I am not always as self-controlled as he is.

2012 slammed me to the wall. It brought me to my knees. It shook me out and turned me upside down. I still  feel like a stranger to myself. And yet, at last, something within is letting go, and sometimes I hear my furious heart giving in and saying "Yes." Just like little two-year-old David. What a relief it is. How much harder this is to learn at 37 than it is at two. I long to just give in, as he does, and move on.

God, help me to bend!

I don't know why I have suddenly (it seems sudden - or has my heart deceived me yet again?) become so fearful. When did I stop knowing that God loves me and always chooses best for me? When did I stop being satisfied with Him?

I want this year to be different. I want Jesus to have the first place in my heart again. I want to be willing to lose all things if I can just have Him. I want to learn how to give in without giving up. I want to gather up my whole messy, scattered and battered heart and lay it at Jesus' feet...and leave it there. I want to learn how to want what He wants. I want to learn how to walk with Him. I want hope. I want to take joy in what gives God joy, instead of always scrambling after my own version. This is going to take more than just a "Yes." But that's where I start. I am going to need a fundamental shift in my self - one that I can't manage on my own. I don't even know how to get such a change, except to ask.

God, You are the only one who can change me. I want to be different. You know I have tried, but I am overcome by self-will and self-love and self-pity every time. I want to share Your priorities and Your eyes. I want a heart that gives in when You say so.

During harvest time, three of the thirty chief men came down to David at the cave of Adullam, while a band of Philistines was encamped in the Valley of Rephaim. At that time David was in the stronghold, and the Philistine garrison was at Bethlehem. David longed for water and said, “Oh, that someone would get me a drink of water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem!” So the three mighty men broke through the Philistine lines, drew water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem and carried it back to David. But he refused to drink it; instead, he poured it out before the Lord.“Far be it from me, O Lord, to do this!” he said. “Is it not the blood of men who went at the risk of their lives?” And David would not drink it. (2 Samuel 23:13-18)

Everything too deeply precious belongs to You, Father. Help me, like this David, to let go; to pour out all that my heart treasures before You. The water poured out, it looked like a tragic waste. It always looks that way, but there is nothing wasted before You. You gave Your precious, perfect Son to be beaten and insulted and ignored. You saw them reject him. You saw the slapping and the whipping and the twisted crown. You heard the contempt in their voices. You saw the nails pierce his flesh.You heard him cry from the cross. You saw them gambling for his clothes. You allowed him to be separated from You and left alone. You know what it costs to be a human and love like God. Have mercy on me, but make me able to go forward. Let me not waste on self what You have bought with blood. Better to pour it on the ground!

With Mine Eye

I will instruct thee and teach thee the way in which thou shalt go; I will counsel thee with Mine eye upon thee. (Psalm 32:8)

I'm depending on You, Father. You know I can't find my own way.

From the Wilderness, Leaning

Who is this that comes up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved? (Song of Solomon 8:5)

Between the leaving of Egypt and the Promised Land lies a wilderness. Jesus' step out was his baptism, and he went directly into the wilderness, where he was hungry and tempted. When he returned, there was no turning back on the road to the cross. After Joseph's dream came betrayal and Pharoah's prison. Moses, after admitting his identity as a Jew, became an exile in Midian. Elijah, after proving the power of God openly, went running into the wilderness to hide from an angry Jezebel. After he was named king of Israel, David was on the run from Saul for years, living in the woods and hiding in caves. Paul, after meeting Jesus on the Damascus road, was taken away to Arabia.

Why the wilderness? I don't know. The length of time is different for everybody, and maybe so is the purpose...except for this one: they all seem to come out leaning. Even Jesus, Son of God, was ministered to by an angel.

Let me too, Father, come out of my wilderness leaning on my Beloved. Keep me from complaining and hopelessness and restless wishing. Lead me, too, by cloud and fire. Come with me through this wilderness. And help me to remember that this is not the end, but the way You have planned to the place You have promised.

Learning to Dance

I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in his word do I hope. (Psalm 130:5)

My soul, wait you only upon God; for my expectation is from him. (Psalm 62:5)

...our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for— love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men— will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.
If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, “because you have kept My command to persevere . . .” Revelation 3:10. (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest)

It's like learning to dance, this watching and waiting and moving along with God. I've never been good at dancing. Instead of understanding, it takes training. Trying. Failing. Trying again. But the pipers are piping, and I've avoided this dance for a long time, and the Lover of my soul holds out His hand again. He is patient with my stumbling and overstepping and I am embarrassed but grateful, and there is grace in this waiting, stepping, stopping, turning. Jesus bends low. He takes me by the hand, and how can I tell Him, "No"?

My soul faints for your salvation: but I hope in your word.(Psalm 119:81)

And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for Him, and He will save us: this is the Lord; we have waited for Him, we will be glad and rejoice in His salvation. (Isaiah 25:9)

 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)

And this Gospel? It doesn’t come wrapped in twinkling lights and satin bows; it comes straight into our pitchest black. The Gospel of Christ, it’s a messy, bloody thing and this is how God was born, bloody and bruised, and that’s how God chose to die, bloody and beaten. And our God, He knows the comings and goings of our blackest bloody battles, and this is exactly where He meets us. (Ann Voskamp, www.aholyexperience.com)

My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise. (Psalm 57:7)

Spikenard

Father, I don't know what You are doing, but I know that You are Good and merciful. My mind runs in circles and I cannot trust myself or my understanding. I don't know how to see, but take me Your way. I am in Your hand. Hold me when the tension grows great and I am tempted to squirm and scream. Fold me in grace and continue to give me Your Good.

Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. (Isaiah 50:10)

I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness. (John 12:46)

Into Your Hands

No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it. So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God’s hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him. (Ecclesiastes 8:16, 9:1)

The Lord will perfect that which concerns me: your mercy, O Lord, endures forever: forsake not the works of your own hands. (Psalm 138:8)

Have mercy upon me, O LORD, for I am in trouble: my eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my body...I am like a broken vessel...But I trusted in you, O Lord: I said, you are my God. My times are in your hand...save me for your mercies' sake. Let me not be ashamed, O Lord; for I have called upon you...Oh how great is your goodness, which you have laid up for them that fear you; which you have wrought for them that trust in you before the sons of men! You shall hide them in the secret of your presence from the pride of man...For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before your eyes: nevertheless you heard the voice of my supplications when I cried unto you. (Psalm 31:9, 12, 14-17, 19, 20, 22)

When the devil comes with His subtle questions and insinuations, refer Him to your Lord, in whose hands your times are placed. When you have a lawsuit, the opposite side will likely come and talk with you, to see if they can get something out of you. It will be your wisdom to reply, “If you have anything to say, say it to my solicitor.” If the devil comes to you and you get into an argument with him, he will beat you, for he is a very ancient lawyer and he has been at the business for so many ages that you cannot match him. Send him to your Advocate! Refer him to the Wonderful, the Counselor! Always shelter beneath this fact, “My times are in His hand. I have left the whole business to Another and I cannot dishonor Him by meddling.” Satan knows the Christ too well to go to Him—he knows the taste of His broadsword, of, “It is written.” He will not contest with Jesus if we leave Him to plead the causes of our soul! (C. H. Spurgeon)

Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: and the house was filled with the odor of the ointment. (John 12:3)

I cannot, like Mary, touch You, Lord Jesus, but accept these tears as my ointment poured out. You alone know the cost. I fall at Your feet. Lovely feet, pierced for me. How can I doubt You?

"At any cost, by any road" means nothing self-chosen in the way God brings us to the goal.
There is no possibility of questioning God when He speaks, if He speaks to His own nature in me. Prompt obedience is the only result. When Jesus says, "Come," I simply come; when He says, "Let go," I let go; when He says, "Trust God in this matter," I trust. This work of obedience is the evidence that the nature of God is in me....
It is through the discipline of obedience that I get to the place where Abraham was and I see who God is. God will never be real to me until I come face to face with Him in Jesus Christ. Then I will know and can boldly proclaim,

"In all the world, my God, there is none but Thee, there is none but Thee."

(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, November 17)

Jesus Christ will not help me to obey Him, I must obey Him; and when I do obey Him, I fulfil my spiritual destiny. My personal life may be crowded with small petty incidents, altogether unnoticeable and mean; but if I obey Jesus Christ in the haphazard circumstances, they become pinholes through which I see the face of God, and when I stand face to face with God I will discover that through my obedience thousands were blessed. When once God's Redemption comes to the point of obedience in a human soul, it always creates. If I obey Jesus Christ, the Redemption of God will rush through me to other lives, because behind the deed of obedience is the Reality of Almighty God. (Oswald Chambers)

"Rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings." 1 Peter 4:13
The sufferings of Christ are not those of ordinary men. He suffered "according to the will of God," not from the point of view we suffer from as individuals. It is only when we are related to Jesus Christ that we can understand what God is after in His dealings with us. It is part of Christian culture to know what God's aim is. In the history of the Christian Church the tendency has been to evade being identified with the sufferings of Jesus Christ; men have sought to procure the carrying out of God's order by a short cut of their own. God's way is always the way of suffering, the way of the "long, long trail."
Are we partakers of Christ's sufferings? Are we prepared for God to stamp our personal ambitions right out? Are we prepared for God to destroy by transfiguration our individual determinations? It will not mean that we know exactly why God is taking us that way, that would make us spiritual prigs. We never realize at the time what God is putting us through; we go through it more or less misunderstandingly; then we come to a luminous place, and say - "Why, God has girded me, though I did not know it!" (Oswald Chambers)

Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.

All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.

For it's only in Your will that I am free,
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.

I bend to You, Lover of my soul. Break me in shards, as You will, and heal me because of Your mercy. Take my yesterday and my today and my tomorrow. Spend them all on what those who count things call "waste". I am all Yours. All Yours.

Help My Unbelief

Jesus said unto him, If you can believe, all things are possible to him that believes.
And immediately the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help my unbelief. (Mark 9:23-24)

Like this father, I believe. I believe all the pieces: God is good. God cares for me. God gives nothing but Good. He is kind and merciful, and He will never let me go. All these things I know to be true. Why, then, can I not seem to do the math? Why is it so hard to say "Even so, Father, for so it seemed good in Your sight"? Why am I so full of fear? Why am I so foolish?

Lord, look in my heart and see - I believe! And help my unbelief.

How to Train Your Dragon

Father. My heart cries out day after day, "Where are you? Don't you see me? Can you stand by and let me feel like this?" and with my rational mind I am horrified at my own foolishness and impudence...and somewhere deeper than mind or heart, I know that Jesus cried his own questions on the cross - "Why have you forsaken me?" and that is where I trust You and love You, and from there, I am sure that there is something waiting for me just beyond this heavy curtain that dims my view and dulls my sense of You.

I am so lost and confused, and I don't know what You are doing with me. Something in me complains incessantly and I just want it to be quiet, but it takes time to train this dragon of a heart. I don't know what I should be doing. Am I making this worse? Should I fight it out, or just wait? Should I put on a smile and pretend everything is fine, or try to talk it out, or just keep as quiet as possible? Should I try to protect my weakness, or run on and expect You to take care of me? Do I struggle to accept this bitterness, or do I instead spend my time searching for the sweet? 

And shall I pray Thee change Thy will my Father,
Until it be according unto mine?
But no, Lord, no, that shall never be, rather
I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying eager longing
I pray Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire.
See in my quiet places wishes thronging,
Forbid them, Lord, purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure.
Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,
Tarry content my Well-Beloved’s leisure,
At last, at last, even as a weaned child.(Amy Carmichael)

Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” 

Who Shall Deliver Me?

It takes time to change a heart. I thought I could make a choice, will myself to bend, and God would work a miracle in me. But as it turns out, miracles aren't like magic that happens with a wave, and this learning to bow isn't something I can do once and for always. So this may be a long road. Today I will learn to bend my will before God. Tomorrow, I will choose to learn that lesson again. How long will it take? Are we there yet, Dad?

Here I am, Lord. I am willing for this - willing for today's bending, and tomorrow's, and the next day's. I will trust you to help me on this long road. I am tired already, but strengthen me. I will wait for my change. I will choose you again and again, until the enemy in me has been fully defeated, the rebellion in my heart fully put down. 

Overcome me, Jesus. You have the right, as my Creator, as my Saviour, and as the One I choose. Let me be willing to pour out my life for you...even if it looks wasted. Before You who gave all, can there be any waste? Let me pour out, drop by precious drop, my life, my heart, my all. You know how poor my worship is, and how dim my vision, but make me - even me - delight in You. And then I shall be free.

Who Shall Deliver Me?
God strengthen me to bear myself;
That heaviest weight of all to bear,
Inalienable weight of care.
All others are outside myself;
I lock my door and bar them out
The turmoil, tedium, gad-about.
I lock my door upon myself,
And bar them out; but who shall wall
Self from myself, most loathed of all?
If I could once lay down myself,
And start self-purged upon the race
That all must run ! Death runs apace.
If I could set aside myself,
And start with lightened heart upon
The road by all men overgone!
God harden me against myself,
This coward with pathetic voice
Who craves for ease and rest and joys
Myself, arch-traitor to mysel ;
My hollowest friend, my deadliest foe,
My clog whatever road I go.
Yet One there is can curb myself,
Can roll the strangling load from me
Break off the yoke and set me free
(Christina Georgina Rossetti)