Friday, 2 November 2012

His Love Endures...

Someday I will come back here and tell how good God is, and how even His hurts lead to joy, but just for a moment let me be honest about how I feel right now. The Enemy of Souls whispers softly that God has betrayed me, that He is making a fool out of me, and that he is cold and silent while I cry out for Him...and I know that is a lie - truly I do - but it seems so easy to believe. I am so tired of struggling to reconcile what I know with what I feel, and why is this taking so long!? and this all felt bad when I was young, but it didn't feel so hopeless because when you are 25 or 28 or even 30, everything still feels like the beginning, and there's a chance to change the ending, but why do I feel like it's too late to change the ending now and where is God and why doesn't he care that I'm failing now when it's too late to fix?? and my hair is falling out and I have a knot in my stomach approximately one third of the time that I am awake and why do I feel this way??? and shouldn't I be better able to manage myself at this age?! and why doesn't God just change the way I feel, because I am willing to accept any outcome; it's just this whorl of emotion that I loathe and can't control??! and will I ever have real friends here that I can count on? and should I just accept the fact that I am a big failure and go home to my parents? and please stop the world because I WANT OFF RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW.
That is how I feel. And this is what I know:
I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore. (Psalm 121)
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.
 (Psalm 136: 1-3)
What do I do with this disconnect? Why am I so helpless? Why can't I get some perspective? What is wrong with me? What is God doing? How do I thank Him for this and mean it?

God, please have mercy on my weakness.
Your love endures forever.

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