It's been a hard few months. I lost my job in September, and I've lost a good friend. I'm tired of instability, I'm suddenly lonely, and I'm ashamed and afraid of the future. My pride is tattered, and I am thrust, at odd times, to the edge of a precipice overlooking a vast and vacant wilderness. Depression, fear, and loneliness send their howls and shrieks from its depths to chill and oppress me, and I am heartsore and weary with it all. I like to put on a good face and pretend (to myself as much as anyone else) that I am mature enough, that my coping skills are advanced enough, to manage my churning emotions, but the truth is, I'm just tired and scared and cold and I want this to be over. Now.
But lest my words ring hollow when I sit again at friendship's fire, warmed by laughter and encircled in security, let me tell out of this darkness who my God is when I am weak and childish and shivering. Look on my humiliation and see Him - who has chosen it for me - full of love strong enough to allow pain, and merciful. He is kind. I will say it now because it costs me admit it now. I don't always feel it to be true. I don't always feel that it even matters. But I always, always know it it true. I hear it as a steady drumbeat above the din of my clamouring emotion - His mercy endures forever. I will tell out of my weakness that God is wider than my wide wilderness, and deeper than its nether reaches. Even when I refuse to be comforted by that, I know it to be true. Beneath, above, around my bewilderment, I know with surety that God is kind. I cannot deny it, even when I would. I ask him, "Why?", and he holds out bleeding hands. He has been where I am. He has begged our Father to make another way for him.
Some day I will kiss his lovely feet. But today, I will tell who he is.
10 comments:
Thank you for this...for out of the wilderness encouraging.....THANKS and prayers for and with you. becky
Very poignant and perfectly written post. Sounds like you're having a similar time as I. I wrote a post called Reflections on a Job-esque Week last month that has a lot of similarities. Of course its from a guy's perspective. I'll be praying for you as well. God bless.
I think me and you have been walking in the same shoes lately. I just lost my job back this last month, and I'll tell you it sure has made me worry about and fear my future, become depressed (even more than I think I already was), and certainly feel lonely.
I actually have felt a lot better this last week though. And I see where things are beginning to get better. Just keep your hope in God. And if you're lonely, go to Him, spend time with Him, pray to Him all day long if you have to. That's certainly helped me keep from feeling so lonely. I wrapped myself in God's arms and it feels good. I don't feel so lonely or afraid.
Just know that better days are ahead and try not to get too down and out. God loves you!
Brandon
I am so sorry to hear about your job loss and loss of friend. I can relate to those feelings of fear and downheartedness. I hope that you have a few good friends near you to give you a hug and listen to your heart. Hang in there . . .
Karen K
bjk, jim, brandon,and karen,
I appreciate the sympathy and encouragement from all of you, and your prayers. But I have communicated the wrong thing. I don't want to tell you about my hurt. I want to tell you about the God who, in the depths of my hurt, I know, though I be blinded and deafened to him.
Truly, he whom God has hurt no one can comfort. But he whom God comforts is free from the hurt all others may inflict. I will wait for his comfort, and I will be free. I will have Jesus and no other.
I am satisfied, not that you see me, but that we may together see and bow our knees before a God whose name is Merciful and True.
Thanks.
You were getting no sympathy from me.....praying for you to continue to share your journey here with us and encourage us in our own way following Him who leads. love in Christ becky
It seems silly that it took the Children of Isreal so long to reach the promised land - we could have mapped a course that would have taken so much less time. But the were following the "cloud by day and the fire by night". The point wasn't the destination, but the journey. We become anxious for God to bring us to our destination, when we are already where He wants us to be. We must remain camped until the cloud moves, whether it be "a night, two weeks, two months, or two years." To anyone looking at our life without "the cloud" in view, it seems strange and silly - wrong, even. But we know the one we are following. Even when we become anxious.
"I don't want to tell you about my hurt. I want to tell you about the God who, in the depths of my hurt, I know, though I be blinded and deafened to him."
How can you tell of one without telling of the other?
"Truly, he whom God has hurt no one can comfort."
Is this true? I don't think so.
"Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?’ And the King will tell them, ‘I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’" -Matt 24:37-40
It is not to detract from God's glory to allow God's people to minister to Him by allowing them to minister to you. It is certainly not pride that allows us to let others to "wash our feet" as Jesus did the disciples.
Paul,
Thanks for clarifying. It is indeed a healthy and beautiful thing when Christians are able to minister to each other with what God has given them.
I meant to say, rather, that some hurts have a purpose that disallows healing before God's time. I may appreciate the kindness of another, but when I am wounded to the core, as I may be only by One who knows me to the core - the comfort others offer is always insufficient. It doesn't touch my deep need.
And if the hurt goes very deep, I kick against the comfort others so kindly offer. I will have healing, and nothing less.
Indeed, I couldn't agree more.
I think sometimes I seek healing, or what I think will heal me, more than God. Unconsciously I begin to use God. Though I may be asking for more faith, wisdom, direction, faithfulness, trust, or whatever, what I am actually asking is for Him to make what I'm doing work. In other words make my idols effective! He loves me too much for that. As is often the case it is these very addictive idols I ask Him to bless that He seeks to deliver me from. It's crazy. But, I too, hold to His promise that, "In faithfulness He has afflicted me." And "Though the Lord gives the bread of adversity and the waters of affliction, your teachers will not remain silent. With your own eyes you will see them, you will hear a voice behind you saying,'this is the way, walk in it'. Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver, and your images covered in gold. You will cast them away like a menstrel cloth, and say to them, 'depart from me'."
Sometimes suffering is His greatest gift.
Thanks for responding!
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