Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)
And this is what takes real strength and real heart: waiting. Waiting to understand. Waiting to be made like Jesus.
God spoke to me today; spoke right into my noisy head, in the middle of things happening and people talking. He asked me if I could trust Him with my life. And the obvious answer is yes, of course. He's God, after all, and most days I'm not even sure who I am. But it's not so simple. Sometimes I want to trust Him, but I can't quite make it into actually resting my heart and letting Him do His work without me whining and crying and pounding the door down with wondering if He's sure this is the right way and how long He's going to take. I know the truth: that I don't even know what I want, let alone what's right, and God knows both, and He cares about both. But a lot of the time, the truth feels cold and very far away, and I am filled with fears and tired tears and caught in that sharp place in between reality and feeling. But for today, He has given me enough faith to trust Him. It's good to have it, and I will spend it waiting.
Make no mistake: this is the hard work of following Jesus; harder than all the things we think we need to do to earn Him praise.
Someday, I will give him all that is in my heart because I see and understand, but that day won't come without today's waiting in the dim cold of my not-knowing. Beautiful, inscrutable God, I wait for You. Accept this, my sometimes-empty heart.