Monday, 8 October 2012

Self Pity Revealed

When I was really little, I used to have this recurring dream. In my dream, I was walking down the steps into our basement - except the basement was FULL of stuff. I mean full - like, I couldn't walk on the floor because stuff was piled everywhere. That wasn't too far off our basement, since we had lots of stuff, but this stuff was different. It was organized, neatly piled, but everywhere. There weren't even paths between it. As I went down the steps, I could hear a baby crying. I went crawling over piles of furniture, linens, and who knows what else. In the middle of all this, there was a crib, with a baby in it. I was filled with compassion for this poor, crying baby, and I picked it up and took it upstairs to my mother. I expected her to feel the same way I did - pity for the poor, helpless, crying baby. Instead, she looked at it with shock and horror. As I was explaining to her where I found the poor thing, she cried, "Drop it! It's not a baby! It's an evil spirit!" At that point, I would always wake up from my dream with my heart pounding, terrified. I could never get to sleep again after that dream. In the light of day, my dream felt foolish but creepy.

Much, much later, after I had grown up and graduated from university, I was going through a hard time. I was depressed, crying way too often, and I felt out of control. One day I was taking a shower and crying in the shower, wondering when the pain would end, when I thought of my dream and the crying baby. I had always wondered what it meant. Then, as suddenly as if someone had spoken, I was struck by the realization that I was the baby, perpetually crying. The pity I had felt for that baby in my dream was the self-pitying spirit that I had allowed to take hold of me. There was no baby. The self-pity I was allowing myself was evil and destructive, and it was making me weak, not strengthening me the way compassion does. I immediately rejected it, and I was set free.

Yesterday, I realized that I had again picked up that baby in my heart. I had allowed a spirit of self-pity to grip me in the same way. Again, I rejected it as soon as I realized, and I felt a freedom I haven't had in a long time. This morning I had another little struggle with it, then I was again set free.

Praise God! I don't need self-pity. It is God's job to pity me and worry about me. It is my job and my great privilege to seek his glory. I don't need to feel sorry for myself. The very God of heaven allows me to work alongside him. He holds my hand. I am finished with feeling sorry for myself. Jesus is mine, and I am his. Whatever I lose, whatever I miss, I have Him, and my purpose and my place in him is infinitely suitable to me and pleasant to my soul.

God has again healed me from a hurt I didn't believe even he could, or would, heal. Celebrate with me! This is not over, but it has begun to be over. Oh,dear God! Dear peaceful God!

...a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.They will be called oaks of righteousness,a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor(Isaiah 61:3)


janelle said...

i want to say things like hooray and hallelujah but neither of those carry the weight of gladness that i'm feeling right now.
blessed be God our God :).

Mom said...

Praise God for His kindness! Oh, that I would see my short-comings in the light of His purity and in the light of His grace! I am happy for you. xoxo

joeyanne said...

It always freaked me out when you would tell me that dream. I love the meaning. A lesson I can take to heart!! Thank you for sharing