My Fine Pearl

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. "

(Matthew 13: 44-46)

"Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him..."

(Isaiah 53:10)

My heart has found its fine pearl. Jesus is worth losing all for. Yet I was surprised when I read of the man who sold all he had in his joy. I have cried many tears over my loss for the Christ. What is the difference? He was thinking of his treasure, while I am thinking of the price. Can there be pleasure in this pain?

Lord Jesus, can it be that I have so little understanding of your value? Wash my eyes with eye salve, and let me see a little more of your beauty and your deep worth. I know the truth, but there is so little I understand! Fill my heart with joy at the thought of you, my own precious pearl.

From Strife of Tongues

When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

(Luke 23:33-34)

But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.

(Matthew 5: 44-45)

Father, grant me the power to do more than say the words; to view those who hurt and insult me as the beloved handiwork of God - precious souls for whom Christ died. Give me your eyes to see a little of their infinite value to you. Give me your heart to love them and seek their good at my own expense. So would I pursue the gentle Jesus. So would I honor him.

Thanksgiving

I will praise the name of God with a song, and will magnify him with thanksgiving;And it shall please Jehovah more than an ox, --a bullock with horns and cloven hoofs.

(Psalm 69:30-31)

God Knew

During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.God saw the people of Israel—and God knew.

(Exodus 2:23-25)

Rending

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!

For His mercy endures forever.

Oh, give thanks to the God of gods!

For His mercy endures forever.

Oh, give thanks to the Lord of lords!

For His mercy endures forever.

(Psalm 136: 1-3)

I am poured out like water,

and all my bones are out of joint.

My heart has turned to wax;

it has melted away within me.

My strength is dried up like a potsherd,

and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;

you lay me in the dust of death.

(Psalm 22:14-15)

Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy.

(Psalm 28:6)

Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.

(Job 13:15)

I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.

(2 Corinthians 6:18)

I am unworthy--how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth.

(Job 40:4)

The Love of God

Importuning the Judge

Give ear to my prayer, O God; and hide not thyself from my supplication. Attend unto me, and hear me: I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise; Because of the voice of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked: for they cast iniquity upon me, and in wrath they hate me. My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me. Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me. And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest. (Psalm 55:1-8)

O Lover of my soul, You know all of me, but I will lay my complaint before You. Judge for me. It’s not the hurt that destroys me, but the weakness. What shall I do unless You give me Your strength?

Slay me, then, but let it be a full death. Let Christ live in me. I accept his hurt, but this weakness is not of Christ – I give it to you. Look on me. Give me Your hand. Like Peter, I sink in these waves! Have mercy on me. You are enough, but I am not.

I am your responsibility, O Creator. I run to You. I come crying and weary, and I hear your question – the same question Bartimaeus heard from You – “What wilt thou?”

It makes me pause, that question. Of course, I want you to make it all better – make the pain go away, restore all the loss, renew my happiness… Or do I? Why have you given me this pain in the first place? All that I receive comes only at Your consent. You have weighed this burden, measured it in Your own hand. And you are Good – this I have so experienced that I can have no doubt. Can it be that this hurt is part of Your gift to me, Giver of Good? Can this be the answer to my heart’s deep cry? Is this the death that must come to me if Christ would live in me?

O Righteous God, my heart is toward You. I turn my will to You, and bow myself to the dust before You. There is a part of me yet to be conquered by You, but I open the door to You. Come in and put to death what rebels against You, against Love.

Mercy

O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted. Behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of precious stones. And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; And great shall be the peace of thy children. In righteousness shalt thou be established: Thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: And from terror; for it shall not come near thee.

(Isaiah 54:11-14)

Refuge

"O Thou who art my quietness, my deep repose,
My rest from strife of tongues, my holy hill,
Fair is Thy pavilion, where I hold me still. "

(Amy Carmichael)

Weaning

“But the God of all grace, Who hath called you unto His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. to Him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.” (I Peter 5:10-11)

Ah. At last I seem to understand something. The maturity of a person and a soul necessarily involves accepting the crossing of my own will. In order for me to grow into the person I was meant to be, I must be willing to have my own wishes thwarted. God is not about removing our suffering – he is about removing the rebellious faction in us that causes the suffering. This is painful. If I am ever to have real peace, I must receive willingly the pain of not getting what I want. I can circumvent the process by any variety of means, including my old favorite – escapism, but that will only keep me trapped and immature.

God is kind. As a father, he wants to satisfy my deep longings. His purpose is not simply to cross me. But he can see when my surface wants are thwarting what I deeply desire, so he allows them to come out and show themselves. When I see them for what they are – tumours on the beauty of a soul – I can choose to allow his divine surgery. God will never ask me to give up my deep desires – they are the right of an eternal soul – but if I let Him, He will cut away all lesser graspings, all that oppose themselves to what is deep and real in me. This is His way of giving me what I really want.

How is it that I can so easily blame the One who knows me and loves me best, and who always works for my greatest good? His refusal to satisfy my surface wants or remove the wants is not motivated by hardness – rather, it is his way of weaning my spirit from those things that will enslave it and keep it dependent and immature and unbeautiful. He is letting me grow!

God, forgive me! My heart is a treacherous organ, and I am again and again deceived in it. Too quickly I am led astray by my desire to rule in a way that only You have a right to rule. Too easily I am convinced to question Your motives and Your kindness, when mine are the ones in question. You are kind. Transform me. Allow me to want, that I may learn to overcome my wanting. Wean my spirit from its props, that I may grow. Let me be disciplined and mature, not a slave to my own whims. You know what I need and what I deeply desire. I can trust You.