Importuning the Judge

Give ear to my prayer, O God; and hide not thyself from my supplication. Attend unto me, and hear me: I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise; Because of the voice of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked: for they cast iniquity upon me, and in wrath they hate me. My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me. Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me. And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest. (Psalm 55:1-8)

O Lover of my soul, You know all of me, but I will lay my complaint before You. Judge for me. It’s not the hurt that destroys me, but the weakness. What shall I do unless You give me Your strength?

Slay me, then, but let it be a full death. Let Christ live in me. I accept his hurt, but this weakness is not of Christ – I give it to you. Look on me. Give me Your hand. Like Peter, I sink in these waves! Have mercy on me. You are enough, but I am not.

I am your responsibility, O Creator. I run to You. I come crying and weary, and I hear your question – the same question Bartimaeus heard from You – “What wilt thou?”

It makes me pause, that question. Of course, I want you to make it all better – make the pain go away, restore all the loss, renew my happiness… Or do I? Why have you given me this pain in the first place? All that I receive comes only at Your consent. You have weighed this burden, measured it in Your own hand. And you are Good – this I have so experienced that I can have no doubt. Can it be that this hurt is part of Your gift to me, Giver of Good? Can this be the answer to my heart’s deep cry? Is this the death that must come to me if Christ would live in me?

O Righteous God, my heart is toward You. I turn my will to You, and bow myself to the dust before You. There is a part of me yet to be conquered by You, but I open the door to You. Come in and put to death what rebels against You, against Love.