Sunday, 1 April 2012


“But the God of all grace, Who hath called you unto His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. to Him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.” (I Peter 5:10-11)

Ah. At last I seem to understand something. The maturity of a person and a soul necessarily involves accepting the crossing of my own will. In order for me to grow into the person I was meant to be, I must be willing to have my own wishes thwarted. God is not about removing our suffering – he is about removing the rebellious faction in us that causes the suffering. This is painful. If I am ever to have real peace, I must receive willingly the pain of not getting what I want. I can circumvent the process by any variety of means, including my old favorite – escapism, but that will only keep me trapped and immature.

God is kind. As a father, he wants to satisfy my deep longings. His purpose is not simply to cross me. But he can see when my surface wants are thwarting what I deeply desire, so he allows them to come out and show themselves. When I see them for what they are – tumours on the beauty of a soul – I can choose to allow his divine surgery. God will never ask me to give up my deep desires – they are the right of an eternal soul – but if I let Him, He will cut away all lesser graspings, all that oppose themselves to what is deep and real in me. This is His way of giving me what I really want.

How is it that I can so easily blame the One who knows me and loves me best, and who always works for my greatest good? His refusal to satisfy my surface wants or remove the wants is not motivated by hardness – rather, it is his way of weaning my spirit from those things that will enslave it and keep it dependent and immature and unbeautiful. He is letting me grow!

God, forgive me! My heart is a treacherous organ, and I am again and again deceived in it. Too quickly I am led astray by my desire to rule in a way that only You have a right to rule. Too easily I am convinced to question Your motives and Your kindness, when mine are the ones in question. You are kind. Transform me. Allow me to want, that I may learn to overcome my wanting. Wean my spirit from its props, that I may grow. Let me be disciplined and mature, not a slave to my own whims. You know what I need and what I deeply desire. I can trust You.

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