A Hard Truth

I will tell the truth, though it looks to shame me and God both. The God worth worshiping must be honoured by truth, no matter what kind.

I am at the bottom today. I just have nothing left. I am embarrassed that I can't seem to muster up a better response to this, can't accept it joyfully, can't be the person the Bible and my conscience and a million other people think I should be. I feel like a failure. I am a Christian but I can't seem to forgive. I have no grace. I am just hurt. Nothing else but hurt. I don't know why God is allowing me to feel and be like this.

Of course I know that someday I will thank Him. Someday I will see how He was giving good in this...but I just don't understand why He isn't helping me deal with it in the meantime.I am so tired and so humiliated and so without hope. If I had an escape I would take it. There just isn't one.

Who shall I hold responsible for my shame, scattered and splattered about me for all to see: my inability to overcome my own self, my failure to smile and accept hurt, my childish short-term view, my raging impotence... Shall I blame God? He is the only one with the power to so enclose me. He is the only one with the power to rescue me. Where is his shield? Where is his pavilion?

Father, I don't know what You are doing with me. It looks like we have both failed, except that, if it were so, it would be a much greater crime for You. I believe in You, but I am overwhelmed. Please help me.