The hardest thing about feeling hurt is the sense of weakness that goes along with it. How I hate that feeling of shame, of being out of control, of being pitiful! This is the ground where hatred grows. As I lay there, knocked flat and struggling to get back up, The Lie comes. Hatred will give me back a sense of power. Instead of being the victim, I can wield the weapon. In the realm of my own heart, I am the ruler, and I can punish those who cross me. Hatred is just hurt turned inside out.
Father, save me from what is worse than hurt! Teach me to be patient so I can wait for Your Love to come and give me real strength. Keep me from believing that old, old lie. Come to me quickly. Hold me in your arms while I wait for Your strength to be perfected in my weakness. You have searched me and known me. You keep my tears in Your bottle. This waiting time is so hard and I want to run and scream and hit something...but You are waiting with me. You will make me strong to love those who don't love me. Your will be done. Look deep in my heart, dear Father, and see that I trust You.
Today I felt tired and hurt and frustrated and judged and ashamed...just discouraged. Then I was texting with Mom and Dad tonight and they said, "There is no shame in weakness..." and it washed over me in wave after wave. Mercy-! No shoulds. No platitudes. The broken jumble of my heart just melted down and worshiped the kind of God who would invent such a beautiful idea.
Father, grant me mercy for myself and mercy for those who hurt me. You are beautiful, and I long to be like You. Fill me up full with your oceans of mercy.
O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me. (Psalm 139:1)
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23,24)
All the days of my struggle I will wait
Until my change comes. (Job 14:14)
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