O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? (Romans 7:24)Do I need new answers, or a new heart to accept the old ones? I feel so tired in my heart. I know the One I have to deal with. I know He chooses for me. I know He is Good. I know the problem is not what I receive from that Giver of Good. The problem is me. The problem is that I am weak and weary. I forget who He is, the One who makes my way.
I do not fear circumstance...I fear my reaction to circumstances that humble and confuse me and make me angry and fearful and defensive. Why am I like this, so easily tired and so uncontrolled? Why am I so graceless? Where is the One who lays me so low and then retreats, saying only "Trust me"?
Father, help me to remember that this is not the end. You know that my reaction in the heat of the moment does not reflect my ultimate choice. You know what I seek. You see my heart to its core - you know my weakness, but you also know my bent will. You see me, the real me. There is nothing to prove, nothing to show. Look into my deep heart. I am not without fault, but in the deepest part of me, I am not afraid of being known by You. I choose You. I give myself to You. I know that You are trustworthy, and You know that I do love You.
Emotion raises such a clamour - how shall I overcome? Only Love - the pure river of love for Jesus, flowing from the heart of God through me - can soothe its clanging, and that love is out of reach. I can't snatch it. Can't catch it. Can't grab it or corner it. I must receive it from His hand, that Loving One. I will wait for Him. He means for me to be more than this. He will not leave me here. I trust Him.
Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not; love vaunts not itself, is not puffed up, does not behave itself rudely, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, keeps no record of evil; rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails... (ICorinthians 13:4-8)
Lord, when I have turned the corner, let me remember how long and how hard this road is. Melt all my hard hurt down into mercy. Make me able to speak peace to weary hearts. Let me love You long without getting tired.
Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became his counselor? Or who has first given to him that it might be paid back to him again? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:33-35)
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